She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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