i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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