Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
