"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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