I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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