Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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