Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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