i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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