just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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