Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
