What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
