I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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