We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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