Michael Bay diarrhea
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
