So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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