my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
