so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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