I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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