after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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