I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Randomize
