Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
