we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
