It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found the puke drawer
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
