Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
