CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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