I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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