hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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