we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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