One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
