You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Randomize
