I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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