i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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