haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
