my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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