This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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