1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
