My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
