I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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