Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Drunk is a universal language darling
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
