and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
