I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize