we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
