While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
