I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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