I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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