Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
