My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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