just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
