apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We smell like vodka and hangover
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