last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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