I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
