Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
