Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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