Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
