I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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