We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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