I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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