I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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