He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
